Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
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Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.