My dad is at it again
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[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
The Birdles
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
we did it you guys we saved daylight
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.