My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
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roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
A little too much information.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Does this dress make me look cat?
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself