I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
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Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
All. The. Damn. Time.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok