All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
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My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
when there are deer in the woods