Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
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I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
never ask a starfish for directions
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.