Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
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WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader