I think my husband is beginning to suspect
You Might Also Like
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
excuse me
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
is this how new cars are made??
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Expect the unexporcupine.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
I have the bruises of a much more active person.