I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
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Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Whisper out to librarians!
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
I feel this so hard
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.