Y’all know who you are.
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Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
OMG 🤣🤣
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*