Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
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We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
2022 will be better than 2021
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
the dark web is just a goth google.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.