My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
You Might Also Like
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Me trying to reach for my goals
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.