If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
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damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy