Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
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of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
The game has officially changed 😎
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Do one person every day that scares you.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush