Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
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Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
I am having an out of money experience.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
A great tip. #CakeRex
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Nose
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
it must be school picture day
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.