Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
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How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
I occasionally drink every single night.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.