This will never not be funny 😭
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Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.