Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
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Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no