Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
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me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.