when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
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(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Basically.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave