Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
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Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.