Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
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911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again