Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
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Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.