Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
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Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
he’s doing your taxes
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.