It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
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I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
live, laugh, laundry.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
choose your gary
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.