Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
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when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
*launders Kohls cash*
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Still a very good boi….
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”