melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
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After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.