OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
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The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.