me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
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MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.