Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
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Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
awesome draft from months ago i just found
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.