I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
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I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.