Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
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GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU