wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
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Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Tell me you get it…🤣
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Venn
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.