I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
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[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.