You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
You Might Also Like
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.