WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
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I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.