interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
You Might Also Like
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.