Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
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Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor