I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
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I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday