OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
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I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Look at this
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.