Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
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dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
when u come home smelling like another dog
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.