When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
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Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
when mom throws a party…
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
that’s really how it is
couldn’t resist
You know…for fall…
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling