80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
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Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”