waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
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Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?