“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
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You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”