I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
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Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.