Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
You Might Also Like
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”