Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
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I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Intelligence is the new cleavage
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.