Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
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[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
how to market bottled water to dads
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts