My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
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Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.